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The way we deal with the death of someone close to us is linked in many ways with social and cultural conditions, and gender has an impact, too. Sonja Miettinen, Master of Social Sciences, has written a dissertation in the social sciences on the way adult daughters talk about the death of a parent and what they say about it.

A narrative is a tool that can help us both to understand something that has happened and to adjust to loss. The story generally begins with a turning point in the health of a parent, the start of the transition towards death.

“Judging from the stories told by the daughters, it seems that people’s perception of the ‘right time to die’ has been put off ever further. This is a reflection both of the growing average life expectancy and the faith people have in the ability of modern medicine to cure disease and prevent premature death,” Miettinen says.

The fact that a person retires or is very old does not make them elderly or ready to die in their daughters’ eyes. In fact, as the end grows nearer, adult daughters may respond by trying to find a better cure, or even suspect that malpractice has been involved.

“In my research, I noticed that the way that a parent died was a key factor in differentiating the narratives. It seemed that a relatively predictable death from cancer gave rise to different types of narratives than other ways to die that were more clearly linked with old age,” Miettinen says.

Caring for the dying is still a part of life that is felt to be the responsibility of women, and it is also something that gives many daughters feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Someone who has experienced the death of someone close may not necessarily share the ideas on death and grief that those around them have. The stories told by the daughters did, in fact, often include descriptions of clashes with health-care staff.

“A cultural and narrative approach to dealing with the death of someone close to us may also be useful for people whose work means that they have to deal with the dying and their grieving relatives in a professional capacity.”

Text: Arja-Leena Paavola
Photo: Simo Salmela
www.helsinki.fi/digitalcommunications

Translation: Valtasana Oy